What is the Shadow?

I was briefly interviewed by the folks at People I’ve Loved about the Shadow Self, what happens if we ignore it, and why I wanted to create our mindfulness deck, “Letting Your Shadow In.” Here are my responses.

What is the shadow?

The concept of the shadow comes from psychiatrist Carl Jung. It refers to the hidden aspects of our personality that we repress or deny because we view them as undesirable or socially unacceptable. 

The shadow can include a spectrum of traits and emotions such as anger, selfishness, jealousy, unfulfilled desires, impulses we feel ashamed of, and even our creativity, spontaneity, and intuition. 

Does everyone have a shadow side?

Yes. We all have a shadow side.

The shadow forms subconsciously from the time we’re born and we begin absorbing information about which behaviors, emotions, or characteristics receive approval and which ones are discouraged. 

We all have a fundamental need for belonging and safety, so we create a persona (or social identity) around the “positive” qualities that we believe will help us find acceptance. Anything that doesn’t align with this image gets repressed into the shadow. 

For example, a person who learns from a young age that they receive love and attention when they excel at things, might form a persona around being successful. Meanwhile, the unconscious belief that their worth depends on achievement can lead to a deep-seated fear of failure that resides in the shadow, along with qualities like vulnerability and insecurity that they wish to hide. 

A person who learned that emotionality was viewed as weak might form a persona around being rational and in control. Thus, being “emotional” would be a quality hidden in their shadow.

We all share many similar socially acceptable traits that make up our persona, and some similar rejected ones that reside in our shadows. However, people’s shadow qualities can differ from person to person because the shadow is shaped by a variety of factors such as family dynamics, cultural context, individual personality traits, and personal life experiences.

What happens if we don't make space for our shadow?

There are so many negative consequences of not acknowledging our shadow!

The rejected parts of ourselves don’t just go away. They remain in our unconscious where they influence our behaviors, thoughts, feelings, and motivations without our conscious awareness. 

For example, in the case of the hyper achiever, the deep-seated fear of failure drives them to overwork. They might feel judgment of people who don’t work as hard as they do, seeing them as lazy. They might view themselves as having a good work ethic but, unconsciously, they work as hard as they do to prove their self-worth and win affection. As a result, they only feel as good as their latest achievement and, secretly, they may even envy those who don’t work as hard as they do.

Caregivers are often driven by an unconscious desire to be liked. They view themselves as generous and strong, acting as though they don’t have needs (persona). Meanwhile, their true needs are repressed, which often flares up as resentment toward the people they help (shadow).

Our repressed emotions can lead to anxiety, depression, and even addiction. We might live in fear of being “found out” for the emotions and qualities we hide, like vulnerability and insecurity. We might feel unhappy because our deeper longings go unfulfilled in the name of conforming to societal expectations.

Emotions like anger and jealousy can rear up in explosive and unexpected ways when they are triggered, leading to reactivity, followed by shame. And these outbursts can hurt our relationships.               

The more we repress our shadow qualities, the more power they have over us. Whereas, the more we look at them honestly, the more power and freedom we have, because we can then make conscious choices about how we act, instead of being unconsciously driven by our repressed shadow energies. 

It feels like everyone is struggling right now. Are you seeing that in your practice, too? What do you think is hard about this moment?

The biggest thing I see in my practice is how people struggle with a lack of authenticity. Their fear of showing up as their true selves and being rejected keeps them from making choices that would be more purposeful and fulfilling.

But, if you’re asking about what’s hard about being in this world right now, aside from the tremendous violence and suffering we are witnessing, I would connect it to projection.  

We all project the qualities we deny in ourselves (our shadow) onto others and it can cause all kinds of pain and misunderstanding. We do this unconsciously to defend our own self-image—to prop up a false belief that any so-called badness is “out there” in other people, rather than facing and acknowledging it in ourselves. 

Just as individuals project their repressed qualities onto others, political groups, societies, and nations can project their shadow onto other groups or countries, leading to bigotry, hatred, and even wars as each side demonizes the other.

The intense polarization we are seeing in our society, caused by both individual and collective projection, is really painful and can sometimes make things seem hopeless.

Why did you want to turn this work into a deck?

I love Shadow work! I have had so many profound results with it personally and with my coaching clients and it felt important to create a tool that would be affordable and accessible to many people to be able to start this work.

Can you give us one of your favorite prompts or exercises from the deck?

This is a hard question! I think I’ll choose this one because it is foundational to our understanding of persona and shadow and the authenticity that comes from “Letting Your Shadow In.”

Draw two columns. List your positive qualities; or the ways you like to be seen. Make it a really comprehensive list. List the opposite qualities in the right column.

The positive qualities reflect your “persona.”
(e.g., the face you present to the world)

The negative qualities represent your “shadow.”
(e.g., the parts of yourself that you reject and push away)

What is it like to acknowledge that both are within you?

What do you hope people will learn from using this deck?

The goal of shadow work is to acknowledge and accept all parts of ourselves. By letting the shadow in, we are able to experience psychological wholeness and find greater fulfillment by living as our true selves. 

Visit People I’ve Loved to purchase a copy of “Letting Your Shadow In: A Mindfulness Deck for Dealing with Big Emotions”